"McDonald's Announces Purchase of West Virginia Municipality"

"McDonald's Announces Purchase of West Virginia Municipality"

By Chris Anthony, Staff Writer
Fayetteville West Virginia

This week, McDonald's Corporation announced that it had purchased the town of Fayetteville, West Virginia. Although the burger giant has no immediate plans to actually open a franchise in the town, they have filed documents with the Governor's office petitioning to change the name of the town to "Ronald McDonald Land" and has begun painting the town's prominent infrastructure with the yellow hue most commonly associated with the fast food chain.

In a press conference with local media, the regional spokesman for the corporation, Mr. Grimin Burgler commented "We felt that the town would benefit from a more "foody" atmosphere". When questioned by a Charleston Gazette reporter as to what exactly "foody" meant, Mr. Burgler rolled his giant lidless eyes and put his hands on his pear shaped purple body and recounted a touching tale about how his son is a grill man in the army and closed his retort by stating, "...besides, kids love clowns and fun colors, and who isn't for the kids?".

Other aesthetic improvements to the town are planned in the near future: A roadside billboard featuring Ronald McDonald himself in comical poses with members of the Ronald McDonald Land City Council, all police vehicles are to be outfitted with new ketchup and mustard colored racing stripes and a trunk full of happy meals (for the kids), a new town cultural center constructed entirely out of plastic slides, cubes with Plexiglas domes, and netting, and a smiling life-sized Ronald McDonald replica attached to a bench outside town hall. Mr. Grimin further noted that they would not have to make any changes to the markings on crosswalks and parking spots as they are already compliant with section 5.b of the Ronald McDonald Land CCR guidelines.

Serious improvements to the town's aging water supply and sewage system also come with the deal. For years the old town of Fayetteville has struggled with insufficient and sometimes open flowing sewer lines. "We are committed to the people of the future Ronald McDonald Land, we will bring our vast resources to bear in making the town the best it can be." Late in the week investigative reporters uncovered what smelled like a massive dose of cooking grease in the open sewer lines in some of Fayetteville's older neighborhoods. Mildred Hatcher of Tank Hill, whose house sits directly on top of one of the town's open sewers, commented "At least it don't smell like pieces of shit around here no more, and my kids actually go outside to play. In fact, they're so hungry from playing that we have to fill up on French fries at the Mickey D's every time we go to Wal Marts."

Elected Ronald McDonald Land High Commander Jim Akers (formerly the honorable Mayor Jim Akers of Fayetteville) stated in a follow up interview "I am thrilled to be part of the new changes." He went on to state "I feel that fay...I mean Ronald McDonald Land is in good hands. We feel that the McDonald's corporation has experience with success and who are we to let a good thing pass us by?"

Other municipalities throughout West Virginia have seen the success the former Town of Fayetteville is enjoying and are ramping up efforts to court corporate fast food giants. Governor Joe Manchin responded to press inquiries as to the constitutionality of selling municipalities to corporate interests by saying "I am thrilled to be part of the new changes." He went on to state "I feel that we are in good hands. We feel that corporations have experience with success and who are we to let a good thing pass us by?".